Memories from a picture

A transgender man speaks to his therapist about a picture he found when he was a young girl and explains the process growing up.

Look at her! That’s me! A beautiful baby girl. She has eyes of emerald green, a beauty that I truly had never seen. Hair that’s black, with parents she was born to love and have them to love her back. Soft skin, and the cutest smile. That pure heart of hers was gonna last for a while. Taking her first steps to life, so that she may go on and find her own light. She spoke her first words and her voice was the first melody I’d ever heard. She stood up and didn’t walk but ran, and although she fell, she didn’t cry but she took a stand.

She constantly colored on her pink walls with sharpies and refused to wear the floral dresses. She always played superheroes instead of playing princesses. Wanting to play sports and didn’t like drawing, didn’t know what but something in her life was falling. She couldn’t fit in with boys because she was a girl, but she couldn’t play with girls ‘cause she was too much like a boy. Found more interest in comics than in magazines. Felt something was wrong but didn’t know what was happening. Didn’t wear makeup because she saw no point to finding beauty in covering up. I knew she was a young lady then, but she didn’t know how.

I remember one day, I looked in the mirror to look for perfection but didn’t see it in her reflection. There was a war starting inside her. I started feeling like living with this body was just getting harder. The green in her eyes became empty. The beauty that I’d seen that now I couldn’t see. My heart lost its purity, my heart was filled with hatred and insecurity. I used to run, used to walk, but I fell and she couldn’t talk. My harmony in her voice was gone, I was frustrated because I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. I didn’t smile and lost my own light. I felt from that moment I lost my own fight. I looked in her reflections and tried not to cry so I put on my father’s suit and finally my father’s tie. I found love in myself and way more than that, so I stopped it all, hid her hair in my hat.

I remember finding things I thought I had lost. Found myself in joy, being seen as a boy. Although I was confused and upset, I finally knew what I wanted and what I will get. By then I was no longer she but a he. I remember one day I cut my hair short and slicked back, came home to my parents, they weren’t happy about that.

“Laura, what did you do?”

“Oh mother, I want to live for myself and not for you.”

“Laura, you are a lady but you look like man.”

“Father that’s the point, I hope you understand.”

Being a boy was my fate but now I have parents who no longer loved me but decided to hate. I remember one day I looked at my reflection and felt beauty in my own complexion. I see a proud man who lost a lot but now took a stand.

Even though I still struggle being who I am.

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