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  • Kid comes in looking for eye patches. Mom points to eye patches. Kid responds, “No. Those aren’t eye patches. Those are tiny pirate hats.”

  • How’s your ghost doing?

  • WE ARE CURRENTLY HAVING TROUBLE ACQUIRING UNTREATED FLAMMABLE TOW, SO WE HAVE SUBSTITUTED FLAMMABLE JUTE IN OUR FIRE MAKING KITS

  • Are you ready for Friday? Talk Like a Pirate Day is here and we’re giving tutorials at the Pirate Store during Happy Reading Hour from 6-8pm

  • People are really into the lard today.

  • I heard scurvy is just a myth. Who believes me?

  • GUARD YOUR NOSES — THE LARD IS NOW OFFICIALLY RANCID. I KNOW, GROSS, RIGHT?

  • Who knows how to remove lard from jeans? This is not a rhetorical question.

  • Today in the pirate store, we are more hopeful than usual.

  • I just invented deck prism hats. Now they exist. And they can never not exist again.

  • The Pirate Store is once again selling weapons in the form of leather whips.

  • The mops are fully functioning and radiant with potential.