We got a call this morning from this guy, urgently requesting that we expedite him a Monkey Leash. Like, overnight it. He could not wait the standard three to five business days it would take for the package to get there.

What the heck is going on with that? Is a monkey attacking that guy? Or running away real fast and getting into stuff? Is he spoiling tea time?

We’re concerned.

Anyway, the guy said he’d call us right back and then he never called us back. All we know about him is he’s Canadian. So, any Canadians reading this—if you know that guy, or you’re hearing some screeching and howling that you’re not used to hearing, or otherwise have something monkey-wise going on—let us know. We’ve seen this kind of thing before. And trust us—one over-nighted leash is not going to solve all your problems. You’re going to need a dozen or so. And a flashlight. And oven mitts. This is going to be a long night.

Your ship’s cabin is looking like a pig sty. Oh, wait, it literally is a pig sty? Like, a real pig lives in there with you? Her name is Eugenia? Well, in that case, it looks really great. Like a real nice place for a human being to live. Anyway, pig sty or not, you could use some new posters. Spruce up your space with these four brand new pirate posters—designed by us, for you, because we’re as sick of looking at the things you’ve put up on your walls as you ought to be.

Posters are 18″ x 24″, screen printed on really dark brown French paper by Bloom Press in Oakland. They are $20.00 each. Click on the images above to order yours today.

NOTE: This is a pre-order; these will ship the first week of December, just in time for the holidays.

1. Double-sided fork.

2. Cutting own bangs during sea storm.

3. Accidentally tied eye to string attached to doorknob.

4. Someone replaced eye drops with burning acid  (not funny).

5. Tripped while spying through spyglass.

6. Simultaneous wink and sneeze.