CAP’T WATWORTH FINDS HUNDREDS OF MYSTERIOUS “FOOTNOTES” ON SHIP

By Calico Bonnie Blue

Captain WatWorth announced on Thursday that his ship had reached an agreement with the U.H.I.D.P, the Union of Hideously and Improbably Deformed Persons, to disclose member and alleged writer David Foster Wallace’s “footnotes”. According to unemployed persons who qualify as captains of one-man ships carrying book cargo, a footnote is “a sentence (or seven pages, in David Foster Wallace’s example) explaining the significance of certain words, ideas, or characters” and have nothing to do with actual feet or the process of tying them to the floorboard while writing. Captain WatWorth found these footnotes years ago but mistook them as a decrypted map accumulated from past captains. Out of spite for previous captains, he smothered half of them with coal and dumped them into the water. Joelle Van Dyne, a lady friend of the Captain and character in David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest, found a couple of the papers while shaking out a sleeping bag. She immediately contacted the U.H.I.D.P, who know both her and David Foster Wallace very well and claim him as “genius and president” (standards vary off-ship) and contacted WatWorth. According to the U.H.I.D, these footnotes are so famous and valuable they can be bartered for almost anything, even gurkha’s Black Dragon.

 

 

Well, even though WatWorth didn’t find his treasure map, maybe you can get one when you get the new copy of Marauder’s Monthly at the Pirate Supply Store!