By Rot-Thumbed Samuel
In a shocking turn of events fit for daytime melodrama, Zigfried the giant squid, who was charged last month with premeditated ship-wrecking of the privateer vessel Incoherent Rambler, was acquitted of all charges thanks to the surprise testimony of his estranged twin brother, Gaillard. Gaillard confessed to the court that he used a large fake mustache to impersonate his brother during the ship-wrecking. When questioned about his motive, Gaillard remorsefully expressed that his actions were purely spiteful and intended to get back at Zigfried for not planning a joint birthday party with him as they had done so in previous years.
However, before Gaillard could be booked on charges of his own, the court was double-shocked to discover that neither squid was in fact responsible for the ship wreck, which was actually caused by a sea storm accidentally willed into being by the ghost of the squid brothers’ childhood intramural cricket coach. We don’t know if maritime law covers this kind of thing, but we’ll keep you updated.
Ol’ Rot-Thumbed still hasn’t followed up with us on the new details of this story. Maybe it’s in the new Marauder’s Monthly available at 826 Valencia!