By Hornigold Abigail
The local schooner Good Ship Gilded Libertine entered West Port Crustacea Club’s Hull-Grown Barnacle Show with less than high hopes. You would too if your ship had a paltry average of five barnacles per square-inch.
The competition judges, however, were delighted with both the overall health of the ship’s barnacles in addition to what they described as the Libertine’s “artfully minimalist arrangement that must have taken years to cultivate so deliberately”. When Libertine’s Captain was awarded the 1st place prize of a map detailing the locations of hidden riches in no less than ten places south of the equator, he exclaimed “So help me, I will see this ship actually gilded from stern to prow by voyage’s end!”
Shortly thereafter, the first mate took me aside and assured me that “this is long overdue because it is frankly embarrassing to be sailing on a vessel that doesn’t live up to its name. I’ve even got a large store of used whale blubber that would be perfect for setting all the gold in place.” You might not believe this, but that is actually a pretty sensible way to stick stuff on to wood. A lot more sensible than asking a bunch of lobsters to clamp it on there. Lobsters aren’t good at decorating. Its best to just invite them over after you’ve got the ship settled and they’ll remark how wonderful of a job you’ve done and that’s always nice to hear.
Whale blubber? I wonder if the same is true of our lard we have in store…I have some repairs to do. Come on down and check out our blubber at 826 Valencia!