PUBLIC PLUNDERING SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: WEEVILS? NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!

There is a health crisis of epidemic proportions currently bedeviling the high seas, and
its skittering, crawling culprit is the common weevil. Some land lubber got the idea that
these crunchy critters are filled with protein or some such “scientific” babble. I chuckled at the thought, but then found out that deckhands are actually subscribing to this asinine theory. Any vessel in the Caribbean is bound to have a handful of sailors huddling on deck, sliding the wriggly buggers down their gullet; certainly not a pleasant sight. Compounding the unhygienic nature of the pest as a food item is the limited preparation and cooking options available. Most heating methods would outright obliterate the bug, so the only option left is devouring the foul creature raw, and all the sea pepper in the world couldn’t make that bearable, I mean seriously. It couldn’t.

And the thing is, you can’t just let the weevil- eaters do their gross thing without it harming the rest of the crew; a pair of weevils can lay eggs in the food storage and in a matter of days ruin the entire ship’s stash. This leaves the crew to ration whatever scraps are left, and sharing is up there with interpretive tap-dancing on the list of Things Swashbucklers Are Bad At. Did I mention some weevils enjoy wood as much as any grains? An unchecked infestation could leave you not only foodless, but ship-less as well. Don’t believe me? Ask Captain, or should I say Ex-Captain Chiggers next time you are at the local tavern in Barbados. He is anchored there in a constant struggle with the weevil infestation that haunts him to this day. If you keep your eyes trained on his beard you may notice a few strag- glers fall out, but don’t mention it; he enjoys living in denial.

Heed this warning and schedule a regular inspection for weevils by looking for the insects amongst the biscuit stores and check for small holes in any grain kernels. Catch them early and you will be able to save a majority of the stock. Lastly, avoid listening to any so-called doctors that haven’t spent a lick of time on the water. Stick with a healthy regimen of grog and all will be well on your voyage.

 

 

Thank goodness for those helpful PPSE’s! Remember to check your biscuits and check out the newest issue of Marauder’s Monthly at the City’s only independent Pirate Supply Store: 826 Valencia.