By Knuckle-Scabs Augusta
Mermaids have faced prejudice for centuries, and continue to assert themselves against stereo- types as harbingers of terrible sea-storms, and that they are all just manatees in disguise. Seriously, a manatee is not going to lure you in with a hypnotic siren’s song so that your ship gets dashed on jagged island rocks. And to top off the litany of indignities our mermaid friends continue to endure, the on-going controversy over Paleolithic mermaids rages on. Scientists, pseudo-scientists, aquato-primatololigsts and doctoral quackery candidates continue to debate: were there mermaids during the dinosaurs? There have been, and continue to be, mountains of proven evidence that, yes, mermaids did live alongside the aquatic beasts known as Plesiosaurs. Every mermaid I’ve ever known has keepsake photographs of ancient ancestors swimming the high life with big leaguers like the Nothosaurus or Kronosaurus, and there’s no way that its just a part
of some international mermaid photo-doctoring conspiracy. That would be ridiculous.
Fortunately, a recent discovery of fossilized mermaid scales, tears, and hair has been discovered off the north-western coast of Turkey confirms what mermaids have always told us and what we should have believed from the beginning: mermaids evolved when the Assyrian goddess Atargatis and her half-sister Josephine decided to go for a swim in the Baltic and forgot to stop. Eventually they got a bit chilly, and decided to make their way down to the Black Sea and from there, it wasn’t long before a series of ocean floor road trips brought the joy of mermaid-hood to all the prehistoric seas. I hope we can all move on now and let mermaids do their thing.
Come sift through our sand at the Pirate Supply Store and maybe find your own mermaid fossil! And while you’re here pick up the new Marauder’s Monthly at 826 Valencia!