CONTROVERSIAL NEW THEORY ON DOLDRUMS GAINING TRACTION

By Black Dreggs Carlos

So Boris is one of our regular hook polishers. He came in the other day and told me that a water nymph came to him in a dream and informs him that the doldrums don’t actually have anything to do with the currents of trade winds, but rather a series of Newtonian airborne gravity wells that grow or shrink in size depending on what the moon had for dinner the previous night. Now I didn’t buy this at first, but then I saw the moon eat three deep-dish pizzas by itself that night, and I mean that’s normal enough right? It’s the moon, it’s bigger than us and it gets hungry, you know? But then I definitely felt the ship slow down the next day, so you tell me. Although, that might have just been the fact that we played Risk that night, which my eyes glaze  over during that game and life itself seems to drag along at a crawl. And the skipper always fudges his dice rolls and thinks I don’t notice. I do, Gregory. I do.

Anyway, Boris comes back a few days later and says he found a water nymph that looked a lot like the one from his dream hanging out with some friends off the coast of the Galapagos. She said she had no idea what he was talking about, but she did say they had gotten sushi with the moon recently and while the sea water did feel heavier afterwards, they needed to run some more tests to be sure. You should run some tests of your own as well, and if all else fails, try singing to the moon. Do your best to remind it of 90’s R&B, that’s its favorite kind of music. Or buy some nice new book-ends for it. The moon just want’s to feel appreciated at the end of the day. I’ve already scheduled a symposium with Boris and I’m excited for him to share his findings, while my own proposal to permanently replace Risk with “Guess That Wound Infection” for games night will go over splendidly.

 

 

Sounds like a wicked fun time singing to the moon! Come join the party at 826 Valencia!