In case you were wondering, our store at 826 Valencia St in San Francisco will be closed December 24th and 25th. So, if you were in San Francisco, and you were thinking of setting sail on either of those days and you were picturing yourself gallantly bursting into the pirate store to pick up a last-minute Monkey Leash or eyepatch, or Brain Bucket—think again! Maybe even re-think the whole voyage. We’re just saying—maybe some downtime around the house would do you some good. Might be a good time to get some long-put-off chores done, you know? Hint hint? All those gutters that need flushing? And all that grout that needs a good grout-scrape? And the dog? And the dishes? The filthy piled-up piles of dishes covered in things only you eat? And remember how we all agreed to each share responsibility for cleaning around the house, and everyone but one person set down diligently to work? This ringing any bells? Hello? Jenny? Jenny, pay attention to me when I’m talking to you.

Where was I? Oh yes. We’ll open up again on the December 26th. Happy Holidays!

We got a call this morning from this guy, urgently requesting that we expedite him a Monkey Leash. Like, overnight it. He could not wait the standard three to five business days it would take for the package to get there.

What the heck is going on with that? Is a monkey attacking that guy? Or running away real fast and getting into stuff? Is he spoiling tea time?

We’re concerned.

Anyway, the guy said he’d call us right back and then he never called us back. All we know about him is he’s Canadian. So, any Canadians reading this—if you know that guy, or you’re hearing some screeching and howling that you’re not used to hearing, or otherwise have something monkey-wise going on—let us know. We’ve seen this kind of thing before. And trust us—one over-nighted leash is not going to solve all your problems. You’re going to need a dozen or so. And a flashlight. And oven mitts. This is going to be a long night.

Your ship’s cabin is looking like a pig sty. Oh, wait, it literally is a pig sty? Like, a real pig lives in there with you? Her name is Eugenia? Well, in that case, it looks really great. Like a real nice place for a human being to live. Anyway, pig sty or not, you could use some new posters. Spruce up your space with these four brand new pirate posters—designed by us, for you, because we’re as sick of looking at the things you’ve put up on your walls as you ought to be.

Posters are 18″ x 24″, screen printed on really dark brown French paper by Bloom Press in Oakland. They are $20.00 each. Click on the images above to order yours today.

NOTE: This is a pre-order; these will ship the first week of December, just in time for the holidays.

1. Double-sided fork.

2. Cutting own bangs during sea storm.

3. Accidentally tied eye to string attached to doorknob.

4. Someone replaced eye drops with burning acid  (not funny).

5. Tripped while spying through spyglass.

6. Simultaneous wink and sneeze.

Hello there old friends, new friends, self-assured shoppers, unwashed masses, Toni, and Toni’s friend, Little Toni. Hi guys. How have you all been? Good? Good. You may have noticed that this place looks a lot different than the last time you were here. It seems like it used to be browner, and there were little drawers and maybe some kind of bird somewhere. Well, first of all, we told that bird to hit the road. Then we started to redesign the whole website with these guys we met down by the docks from a company called Volume, Inc. I’d rather not get into the details here, but it was a lot of digital internet sorcery. Which was scary at times for some of the littler guys. Of course, in the end, all the spell-casting and midnight-coding was worth it—because now we have a whole new website, finer than any website we’ve ever seen. So fine, in fact, that all we do anymore is worry about breaking it. If there is one thing we know about us it’s that we should not be trusted with nice things. It’s just the way it is. Thanks for stopping by.

–Justin Carder, Pirate Store Manager