Staff pick: compass!

We all know that wherever you go, there you are, but what if where you are is on a leaky dingy with only an oar and your barnacle-encrusted toes to keep you company? Well, shiver me timbers if you wouldn't wish you had a compass along for the ride. Take it from someone who's been there; a compass is your best bet for getting out of wide-open oceanic and emotional spaces.

-Lily

These are the things I wish I could do for the four seasons. In the summer I wish I could go to the lake. In the fall I wish I could jump in a pile of leaves. In the winter I wish I could have a snowball fight with my big sister Sara. In the spring I wish I could go camping. I love the four seasons. My favorite is summer.

-Alejandro Jesus Sanchez, customer

Staff Pick: eyepatch

Look, I know what you're thinking: "Do I really need ANOTHER eyepatch?" The answer, while unequivocably yes, is complicated. Have you considered the size of your head? The diameter of your right eye versus your left? Have you changed your color palette recently? Don't you think it's about time? I mean, seriously, weren't you weren't green and black this time three years ago? Did it even look good then? Wasn't everyone just trying to keep your feelings from getting hurt? Eye patches: it's time.

-Dan

There are currently four people in the store wearing black and white horizontal-striped shirts. None seem to recognize their soul-mates of color coordination or that there are similar shirts hanging on the rack behind them. Maybe this is what it's like every day working at The Gap.

STYLES OF MOPINE ASCENSION
1. The free throw
2. The double-handed backwards no-look heave
3. The Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

-anonymous customer

Page sixteen is bittersweet;
I haven't had a thing to eat
Today, except for carrots
From a bag. It was plastic.

My favorite drawer is number four
But it says 8 on the door
to keep out any pirates
On the prowl. Is that too drastic?

I wish my mom would come back soon
She left me here to mope and moon
And gawk up at the planets
In the sky. They are fantastic.

-anonymous customer

I really think Rosie Barrantes summed it up well with her description of our store: "You get mopped. Buy stuff. Look at fish." Don't you?

Today I watched Pirates of the Caribbean. I must admit that Jack Sparrow was an incredibly unfashionable pirate. Anyway.

It was a dark and stormy night, and all the ships were at sea.

And the captain said to his men: "Men! I have a story to tell you: It was a dark and stormy night, and all the ships were at sea. And the captain said to his men: 'Men! I have a story to tell you . . .'"

-anonymous customer

There once was a pirate from France
Who often wore very nice pants.

His breeches would shine
like leeches in brine
As he performed his spectacular dance.

-anonymous customers

Words: fervid
medallion
serif
camise
tonette

Pirate factoid/story: Pirates wore earrings to improve their eyesight. The acupuncture point for eyesight is evidently one's earlobe. Make of this what you will.

I live vicariously through my friend's cousin.

-Matthew Poirier (customer)

getting mopped - "why me?"
same concept as No Country for Old Men -
when it's yer time, it's yer time,
sorry buddy.

-anonymous customer

Tragic Sea Shanty

"Ahoy, my mates!
The sky was dark...
And tossed and flung the waves,
When lo I saw
Floating nearby
An undead crew of slaves.

"'Come to my ship!'
I called to them
They moaned and crawled aboard
Then one by one
They ate my crew
And then we were no more!"

-anonymous customer

Today we were a stop on the Yelp scavenger hunt. I was given a box of cassette tapes to hand out at my discretion. Every ten minutes or so, groups of colorfully-dressed folks would come in who I would then make barter for the hint.

Highlights:
-an a cappella rendition of "Welcome to the Jungle"
-an ill-conceived five-person chorus line

Question of the day: "So do you get to dress like a pirate every day?"

Point, shoot, SNAP, FLASH!
a smile breaks through
I see a personality that blossoms
before me
white teeth
glossy eyes
"Stand right there. SMILE!"
~mom's so demanding.~
passing on
to the next
Point, shoot, SNAP, FLASH!
I smile.

-Sara Davis, customer

Mouths closed, pens down
Eyes at me and not a sound
I like the way you raised your hand
How could you come to class without a pen?

He's touching me, she stole my seat
Worked all day, no bite to eat
Can I use the bathroom, no you can't
These 7th graders need more deodorant

Maria and Andrew kissing in the hall
But teachers are the worst of all
Straight to the bar after class
Drink in one hand and chalk on my ---

Yo ho yo ho a teacher's life for me!

-anonymous customer

A man gave me what he called “a real pirate coin.” On closer inspection it is from the Cayman Islands.

For the record: The pirate store endorses neither burning, nor men.

A Woman just put her baby in the vat.
The baby remained in the vat for three minutes.
There is subsequently a lot of sand now on the floor.
I am angry and amused.

Today I mopped an entire group of foreign travelers (seriously, like seven of them). It is a good day.

The lard is feeling surly today.

A woman came in and picked out a knot. She asked if they are available for barter. I told they were not (knot?). She then said, “Then I have a donation,” and pulled out a fossilized bit of shell.

A group of kids told me bad jokes I’d heard many times, but with such conviction! Special enthusiasm was reserved for delivery of the line “we don’t allow YOUR kind here,” in no less than three jokes.

A woman with a giant white parrot on her shoulder came in. Everyone was thrilled. I was not. What a terrible affliction for a pirate to suffer: fear of birds and their dead soulless eyes. Yar. Sigh.

-Dan

Today I mopped an entire group of foreign travelers (seriously, like seven of them). It is a good day.

A group of South Korean pirate enthusiasts are impressed by the power of my ‘stache. “How long did that take you!?!” they exclaim with great gusto and curiosity.

-Dan

Notables:

-A dramatic reading of the “who what where when why how” dice by an unwitting 8 year old.
-A guy bought a handful of mice (six) using two dollar bills.

-Lily

Mr Weiss informed me that Lucca, star barterer from previous entries who belted out “We’re Not Gonna Take It” in exchange for treasure, has used that very same song with him. While at first I felt betrayed by my little rocker, I realized later that that’s just what rock stars do, sing their hits in exchange for fortune and fame. In fact, Lucca probably feels pressured to give the people what they want and feels limited artistically. He probably spends all day worrying about whether his fans will follow him if he pursues his new interest in working with Eastern European rock and Argentinean percussive instruments. Poor little guy.

-Isaac

A little slow in opening today, I was greeted by hordes of barbarians at the gate longing to barter. Two wily Irish girls evaded my mopping attempts; one of them had an actual glass eye, all the better for evasion?

Holly: Did you hear about the pirate who boxed?

Scott: What?

Holly: He had a killer left hook.